Red & Green Flags
No one sees out of someone else's eyes. We each have different realities, but because of our own reality and the way we experience it, we assume everyone else's reality is similar to ours.
For example, say we're both looking at a coffee table. It’s a shade of brown to you, but I see a reddish hue and I describe it that way. You reject my description. We're seeing the same thing, and we're describing the same thing, but it's necessarily a little bit different.
Establishing Boundaries for Healthy Relationships
To create healthy relationships, you must first know something about yourself—namely, what you are looking for—and choose to establish boundaries based on those needs and wants. When you're dating, it's easy to know the red flags.
In previous relationships, I hated XYZ. I don't want XYZ in my next relationship.
Many of us would call XYZ red flags. We all have them and it's valuable to know what things you're looking out for and allow former relationships to inform you. But how do you create boundaries to reduce the red flags? And what do green flags look like?
Red Flags vs Green Flags
Red flags are the things that haven’t worked for you and green flags are the things that are important to you. If you had the green flags, your life would be better. Green flags are not as noticeable as red flags. You will have to install this behavior, and it’s usually the beginning of relationships where it is easiest to install boundaries. The things that bothered you in the past, you’ve thought about, so you have some verbiage for it. Keep in mind, not everyone is looking for the same green flags, but the more you know about yourself, the more you can sort out what you need in your current or next relationship.
In order to get more of what we do want—green flags—we cannot land on the identity of a red flag. If I'm only looking for what I don't want, then that's what I'm gonna find. In my work, I have witnessed the struggle to replace red flags with green flags. We say we’ll know it when we see it.
That’s what you did the last time, how did that work out for you?
We operate in circular patterns; we get into the same relationship with a different person but we don’t see it. We are caught up in new relationship energy; it's really exciting and easy to overlook things you might be more cognizant of. To manifest the green flags, we have to know our absolutes and negotiables and establish boundaries to avoid repeating red-flagged relationships.
What are the things you want to have in a relationship? Categories are helpful and the clearer you can be with yourself, the more likely you will recognize them when they are on display. The violence of hope is to remain in the knowing when I see it. Hope can attach to a non-picture just as it can attach to a manifested desire. It is okay to decide what you want, determine your needs, and hold boundaries to achieve a relationship worth investing in.
Green Flags require investment and discipline.
If you want to level up, you can turn your own red flags into green ones. My next relationship will be better than my last, because now I have notes—red flags I don't want to see in the next one. This is beneficial, with slow progression.
Identifying green flags requires discipline and work. There are red flags everywhere, and patience can be difficult to achieve when seeking green flags. Invest first in yourself. Consider the red flags you see in others and apply them to yourself. How is your behavior someone else’s reg flag? Sometimes we can see red flags in someone else—maybe because a reliable source has pointed them out—that don’t bother us. This is akin to a trauma bond. The red flag is familiar, comfortable; you might think, at least I know what I’m gonna get.
The next level is about being progressive. Instead of looking at the past, project into the future. What are my goals for a relationship? What do I want? What do I need? What are my absolutes and what are my negotiables?
When you know what you want, you practice holding your established boundaries. I will invest in this current relationship to see if it works out. Manifest a picture of the relationship you would like, similarly to how you might approach your career goals. The picture doesn't have to be exact when you get there, but having a picture allows you to aim for something. If you don’t know what you’re aiming at, how could you hit the mark? Name and aim for the green flags.
What does it look like to turn a red flag into a green flag? an example
First, pick a red flag.
I really don't want someone who's going to leave.
I really don't want somebody who's going to leave. How do you notice that red flag?
I feel like the person is generally disinterested in me, maybe all of a sudden.
Generally disinterested. Is this something you notice as you're getting to know someone you’re dating?
Yes, at some point in the relationship, they seemed captivated, and then quite suddenly, I can't get them to make eye contact with me when I'm talking about something that seemed interesting to them. Then I think they're no longer as into me as they were at the start. Their behavior has shifted.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but it sounds like this red flag triggers the fear that comes from experiences you've had before?
Yes, the fear that I’ll have to consider all the things I’m losing access to if this person remains disinterested, like being touched.
The lack of eye contact is a trigger for you; it’s the possibility someone is losing interest in what you're saying, and that's the red flag you don't want in a relationship. You also mentioned that touch is important to you in a relationship as it fulfills a need. What would touch look like in your relationship? What is an ideal scenario?
Someone who notices my body language and responds. If I’m rubbing my neck, for example, they might offer to rub my neck for me. With touch, I am able to stay in the present moment, which is a green flag, and I feel cared for.
Someone who would notice your body language and respond is a green flag. How do you set your relationship up for success when you are aware of a green flag? Set the scene.
I might say to my partner, when I'm doing this—absentmindedly rubbing my neck—the unconscious loop in my head is that I wish somebody would be doing it for me.
And then your partner takes note. In the future, when they notice you self-massaging, they'll be prompted by an opportunity to fulfill your need for touch.
Needs fulfilled leads to trust in relationships which leads to more green flags. When you can share what your boundaries are, once you're in the relationship, you're going to notice triggers which are simply more boundaries being tested—potential red flags with the possibility for green-flag training. As habits are installed, it will take more effort on your part to hold your boundaries. You're incentivized with this new relationship energy to do this.
We talked about what you didn't want, somebody leaving and the feeling of losing interest. Then we found something you do want—touch. Touch is the target you aim for. It's easier to ask for a need to be fulfilled in the beginning of a relationship because we don’t have to go to all the effort of changing established habits, but changing established habits with green flag behavior is possible. The challenge is to give yourself and somebody else the space to change. Space is hard to make because of those I’m-used-to-operating-this-way habits. You have to check yourself against all these things while also listening—opening yourself up to hearing what the other person is trying to tell you.
Communication is key.
Some red flags could be:
Love Bombing: Overwhelming you with intense affection and promises early in a relationship to gain your trust quickly, often masking underlying issues.
Inability to Resolve Conflicts: Struggling to communicate effectively during disagreements, often resorting to avoidance, blame, or aggression.
Controlling Behavior: Exhibiting possessiveness, jealousy, or attempts to isolate you from friends and family, which can be signs of emotional immaturity or deeper issues.
Unresolved Trauma or Addiction: Prioritizing your partner's well-being requires them to address personal challenges before entering a healthy relationship.
Some green flags could be:
Open and Honest Communication: A partner who is comfortable sharing their thoughts, feelings, and needs without fear of judgment or retaliation. Effective communication is the cornerstone of any strong relationship.
Mutual Respect and Support: A relationship built on respect for each other's boundaries, opinions, and goals. Supporting each other's dreams and aspirations is essential for a fulfilling partnership.
Shared Values and Goals: Having similar values and life goals can create a strong foundation for a long-lasting relationship. Shared interests and aspirations can foster a sense of connection and compatibility.
Emotional Intelligence: A partner who is able to identify, understand, and manage their own emotions, as well as empathize with yours. Emotional intelligence is crucial for building trust and intimacy.
Ability to Resolve Conflict Constructively: A healthy relationship includes disagreements, but it's how you handle them that matters. A partner who can communicate openly, listen actively, and find compromises is a positive sign
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No one sees out of someone else's eyes. Those I am in a relationship with have their own realities, and they are necessarily different from mine. While we're talking about the same thing—our relationship, or the coffee table—I am more flexible to readily accept that we see it differently. And because that's necessarily true, there's no other way it could be.
To turn red flags into green flags, we need to allow space for our differing ideas while also remaining committed to communication and what we’re each trying to get across to the other. Take some time to visit a different dimension. Manifest the relationship you want by reflecting on the boundaries you need.
If you find you could benefit from a coach walking you through a red flag/green flag practice, I’d be happy to oblige, and you can schedule a free session with me.