Better Communication
In any relationship, when you care about another person and are therefore interested in their comfort, there is going to exist a degree of codependency. We usually think about the extreme end of the spectrum where partners can become tightly wound into one another–the psychological term is codependent enmeshment. When codependency becomes pathological that is when there is a problem.
The way I conceptualize codependency is to consider it a spectrum.
The Feedback Loop
When clients come for relationship support—when they are having codependency issues they're having trouble communicating—the common fear is rocking the boat. We can't talk. We can't have conversations in our relationship, because we've been here before. I know if I say this, my partner is gonna say that, and then how do I say this other thing? How do I react and counter in a way that's going to progress the conversation?
We get into future-oriented hypotheticals before the conversation has occurred. One of the roots of miscommunication and codependency is that we assume we know our partner so well, we can predict everything they're going to say. In doing so we set ourselves up for a solitary conversation in our head when the conversation’s not necessarily gonna go that way. A feedback loop is created where both partners are likely to take things the wrong way when a conversation is needed. We build ideas of our partner, and how they're going to react, and we believe they are reality. We grab for comfort in these feedback loops in an effort to understand—to visualize—how it's gonna go so we can feel prepared. The adverse effect is that it becomes difficult to leave space for our partner to have authentic emotions when the conversation is happening. Our desire to control the subsequent actions of our partner with this conversation drops us into the negative spectrum of codependency.
To combat this loop, I encourage clients to take their partner out of the picture—to separate consciousness and stop thinking about them. Assumptions only predict a hypothetical future; and we are trapping ourselves and our partner in a simulation. Instead, step back to observe yourself. What is this thing that’s really important that I want to communicate? Forget how your partner will react. Why is communicating this important to me? What is the thing I want to say, and share, from my perspective? Seek clarity first for yourself to identify what it is you actually want. We know we have a feeling and it's making us uncomfortable. Instead of beginning to talk about it with your partner to “see how the conversation goes”, take the time to investigate the feeling to gain clarity. Feelings provide valuable information.
What helps communication shift away from codependent negativity on the spectrum?
Recognize codependency—the desire to mutually connect and depend on one another—exists.
Practice unilateral conversations.
Unilateral Conversations
A unilateral conversation is when one person gives feedback and the other person receives it. This method works best if all parties involved are on the same page with the practice. The person interested in communicating some feedback can set up the conversation. Hey, there's this thing that's really important to me. Are you available to listen? I need to give you feedback and I don't think a back and forth would benefit this conversation right now. Are you available for that, or do you have other things on your mind and can tell me when you will be available?
Once the feedback is shared, the person receiving is given space to step back and process what they heard, however that looks for them. When they are ready to engage the conversation after finding clarity, they set up the next discussion to offer a response. To repair through conversation, you have to have a foundation of trust with this other person to be able to engage without being manipulated or manipulating them for only one of you to “get your way”. In order to change, we have to allow ourselves to be impacted by another, but demanding someone change is not a way to move forward.
“When you’re inside the jar, you can’t read the label.”
Codependency requires balance. It is not bad to depend on someone else. We cannot see everything. It is important to surround yourself with people you trust, reliable sources who are safe, so that what you don't see you can be informed of because people care not because they're trying to manipulate you into a certain thing.
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Coaching is the act of an unbiased [trained] person or persons holding space for another. My job is to reflect things back—to be a mirror, a witness—and ask questions so you can find the answers. You have everything you need to do this work; the insights come for you, from you about your situation. I can offer a perspective outside of you.
If you are interested in working with me, find a time on my calendar that works for you. I look forward to meeting you!