How To Deal With Emotions Responsibly

Emotions can be challenging. When we don’t have awareness of them they seem to rewrite ways we intend to react, like they are in charge. When we do have some awareness of how we react they can come up at inopportune times and we have to compensate for them to maintain evenness, or balance. 

We don’t necessarily have control over when we are affected by an emotion.

Rather than resist emotions or try to control them through sheer force of will, I see them as messages from our intelligent subconscious trying to alert us to something they find important. 

My emotions are a message to me about me. 

Emotion as Intelligent Information

Since Descartes separated the Mind and Body via Dualism, we have prioritized rationale, logic, and intellect as the only source of information that matters. Emotion operates on a plane outside of logic, and is seen and felt as more of an inconvenience than a source of intelligent information. But setting aside inconvenient emotions doesn't solve the problem of the emotion coming up and getting in the way. Often instead, this strategy just causes it to build up, gain strength, and come out in other ways. 

What you resist you give more power to.

When you try to push something away, or push it down, you actually make it more likely to have its effect, not less. 

When we try to bottle up, compartmentalize, sidestep, disregard or avoid unpleasant emotions coming up, we aren't addressing the message they are trying desperately to get across to us. We may think we already know what the message is. But if this feeling keeps forcing its way into our awareness, there is something unresolved that is still trying to get our attention. There is a message undelivered. We think we know what it is. But when it keeps coming back it's asking us to spend more time, sit with it, and dig deeper to understand what has been overlooked. The assumption that “we know” is getting in the way of actually understanding. 

“Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast.”

A Navy SEAL Jocko Willink has a saying, “slow is smooth, and smooth is fast” when it comes to extremely intense combat situations; and he teaches this idea in business applications outside of combat. I think his philosophy is very useful in many situations that involve discomfort.

When we are uncomfortable our first instinct is to sprint out of the situation we think is causing the discomfort. With emotions this looks like distracting ourselves with anything that isn't the discomfort. But this doesn’t address the problem. If we can find some pause, and understand that slow is smooth, we can slow down and actually address the feeling that is coming up. By addressing the feeling, we can more quickly address the problem. If the feeling keeps coming up, that means it's still unresolved. When we sit with an amount of discomfort we can handle (not starting with 10 out of 10 emotions, start with 3 out of 10) we can get past the panic response that wants us to sprint away from it. 

Emotions are not enemies.

Emotions are messages desperately trying to get our attention. Our cultural subtext tells us that emotions are socially inappropriate. In many cases they may be, but that doesn't mean they are inconveniences that are always to be avoided. Some can be set aside for the moment, and addressed when it is more socially appropriate. 

Most of us don't get back to that second part of “addressing” it, coming back to it. And that is understandable. Why check back in when I'm calm and it's not bothering me? Because without being addressed, it will come back again, and probably at a less than convenient time.

Deciphering the Messages of Emotions 

What is your way to check in with yourself? For some it could look like journaling. For others it looks like venting to a friend. Some meditate. But for all, it benefits to be intentional. To have an openness to the idea that these feelings are benevolent. To have an intention of understanding what the message is. They are trying to let you know that something is the matter. They aren't trying to inconvenience you, even if that is the immediate result. 

If you befriend your discomfort, you give yourself a chance to see it more clearly, and from there make the appropriate changes. Before that happens you are making changes in the dark. Or more likely, not making changes at all.

Understanding your own emotions and what they are trying to tell you can lead to better self awareness. With better self awareness we can better communicate our needs and desires.

Create Better Communication

In my practice I find that many of the disagreements in relating with others come from trying to communicate BEFORE gaining this understanding. Trying to communicate from the emotion instead of from the message behind the emotion. 

This makes us feel as though others are responsible for our emotions. It makes us feel justified in our assessment that others are wrong. But our emotions aren't messages for others. Our emotions are happening inside us. Only us. And until we have sat with them and understood what they are trying to tell us, we can't communicate what we really need or want. Not until we take responsibility for our own emotions. 

Schedule a Consultation

There are many resources to build awareness around what your emotions are trying to communicate. Coaching can help you find tools to understand these messages. If you think you’d benefit from one-on-one help, I'd love to hear from you.