What To Do About Defensiveness
When communication breaks down in a relationship, defensiveness creates an unhealthy dynamic. It is natural to want to avoid conflict, and it is common with topics that hold a lot of weight to become apprehensive—to worry that what you need to say will cause an argument, cause you to not be heard, or create undue emotional stress.
Defensiveness does not resolve conflict.
Defensiveness is a wall, and when it goes up, there's no listening happening. We hear the words and we assume that because we hear, we're listening, but there is no listening happening when you are waiting for your turn to interject your perspective as the “true” reality. We pick apart what is said so it no longer has meaning and the argument in our head remains intact.
When you are actively listening, you are seeking to understand the perspective being presented to you.
What happens when the walls of defense are up on both sides?
When each person surrounds themself with walls, the walls are leaning against each other and nothing is getting through; the reinforcement of past experience strengthens the walls and neither party wants to budge. You are at an impasse. Neither person’s communication efforts are contributing to understanding.
How do you combat defensiveness in communication?
Vulnerability. It takes effort and compassion to understand someone else—especially when understanding might mean owning an undesirable reflection of yourself so that you can choose growth. It can be difficult to express desire for understanding from another; to be vulnerable enough to be rejected. But inside vulnerability is the potential for new possibilities.
What does combatting defensiveness look like?
One partner can shift away from defensiveness in communication by making a decision to put their agenda aside, to listen and digest the information offered. I'm hearing this is really important to you. What is the experience you are having? What triggers are being lit up?
Often, we fight holding our tongue because we don’t want to get hurt. What we have to say is just as important as are the feelings we are experiencing. Defensiveness in communication puts us in survival mode and we use our perception as a protective barrier from pain. It becomes a win-lose situation; which is binary, and doesn’t create resolution. When you've had the experience of setting aside your agenda, it's genuinely scary. It feels like you're going to die. It’s evolutionary—we don't get chased by lions anymore so we find other things in modern life to exacerbate our anxieties. There is no lion. If allow the fear to inform us, and then set it aside for vulnerability, we reap the benefits.
What are the benefits to dropping defenses in communication?
You find them out as you practice this method. When we are vulnerable and realize we didn't die, we can contribute to understanding the other side. We don't have to change our perspective. I can bring up my agenda at a later time and it will be just as relevant.
When compassion is on the table, there is more opportunity for someone to be swayed when understanding occurs. Be prepared for your agenda to become less important to you when you drop the walls of defense. Giving my partner the experience of being heard by someone who cares is something I can do.
It is okay to take breaks. It is easier to step back in a difficult conversation and allow time to create understanding so repair is possible when the threat of losing something is off the table. Dropping defense and embracing vulnerability is an act I have witnessed—in my life and others—that allows people to feel closer in conflict. The point is to grow together, not apart. Pausing allows you to reflect what you heard and investigate your own perception before revisiting the conversation. Where did our communication go wrong? Where did I not listen? Where did I not articulate well enough?
How do you understand, still not agree and resolve conflicts?
You decide to step into this vulnerable unknown—setting aside your agenda, not knowing if you’re ever going to be heard. You may feel like you are under fire, taking the hits. But when all parties are on the same page and want to drop defenses, you begin to resolve the conflicts and lessen the intensity of the triggers that cause you to erect walls.
You are more informed about what's going on, and you are free to bring your perspective and request for understanding. We talked about that thing that was really important to you earlier, and I understand more about where you're coming but I still have this thing that's important to me that I want to talk about. Is this a good time for you to listen and receive feedback from me, or is there another time we can schedule? I disagree with you, but I gave you the floor and I think I understood what you were getting at and I still feel this way. I would like to continue talking about this because I have some relevant points that I think you might benefit from hearing as well.
If understanding is achieved but agreement is not, we can agree to disagree. The conflict gave us more knowledge of how we operate as individuals and this is an area for us where we will have repeated opportunities to resolve as we continue to grow closer. There's a softening that occurs. There's more okayness with being in disagreement than there was before. We’ve hashed it out, we've looked at the possibilities, and we've listened. We've heard the perspectives on both sides. We still hold true to our individual assessments but we have achieved understanding.
Are you struggling to drop defenses in communication?
Sometimes we're going to be disappointed when we give vulnerability the floor, but if each person is heard and recognizes the choices inside resolution—to be impacted and change, or embrace the understanding and still think their own thoughts—we become stronger in ourselves and together.
Are you struggling to drop defenses in conversation? Do you find yourself hitting your partner’s wall and need support in communication?
Schedule a session with me; I’d love to work with you.