Decrease Suffering
I've been thinking a lot about suffering lately. Many great minds have shaped my thinking and written extensively on this topic. While I can only add my own perspective to these ideas, the themes of suffering frequently surface in my experience.
Suffering often arises from our resistance to reality. It occurs when the universe, or reality outside of our control, shows us what is, and we consciously or unconsciously need it to be different.
Things are neither inherently negative nor positive; they simply are.
Consider a common scenario: being stuck in traffic. When I want the traffic to move faster, but it doesn’t, I feel frustrated. It’s easy to attribute this feeling to the traffic itself, thinking, "If the traffic weren't here, I wouldn't feel this way."
However, the feeling of frustration doesn't originate from the traffic; it originates within me. If I weren't there to experience it, the traffic would exist without any emotional weight. It is neither good nor bad; it simply is.
In the above example, "I need traffic to move faster or I won’t get to work on time," my frustration doesn’t change the traffic. My frustration is letting me know my attentional energy is going in a direction that isn't serving me. If I can recognize that I can’t change traffic and accept the reality of the universe, "the traffic IS here," I can let go of the story "the traffic shouldn't be here," or "I should be at work by now." These stories don't change reality, nor do they make me feel better. If I can accept my situation, the feeling has the opportunity to subside.
Feelings, Influence & Control
The feelings we experience are messages from within, indicating something inside us that requires attention. If I believe that external changes are necessary for me to feel better, I surrender control over my emotions to outside circumstances. To regain control, I need to take responsibility for my feelings and understand that they carry messages for me about myself.
"But what about influencing the world?" you might ask. Indeed, we can affect the world around us. However, I am just one of many factors that contribute to any outcome. I can only control my actions and must accept that the results are influenced by many variables beyond my control.
If we revisit the traffic example but replace traffic with interactions with another person, the equation seems more complex. Now, there are two consciousnesses involved, two sources of feelings. However, the underlying principle remains the same. We might mistakenly believe that our ability to communicate gives us some control over the other person.
The formula is still the same: there is me and there is the universe. My feelings seem to stem from the argument with my partner, but in reality, they are not located in my partner. Nor do I have access to their inner experience. The only thing I can control is my own behavior. My feelings do not report about the universe or my partner; they carry a message originating inside me, about myself.
It takes a bit more practice to follow the same process with our relational situations, but recognizing that what is in our control is limited to our own behavior, we can make our request, and let the universe give us our answer. The challenge many times is accepting the answer that comes back for what it is.
Signs of Resistance & Letting Go
Signs of resistance can manifest in many ways. In these examples, the signs of resistance are the very feelings that show up to send us a message. They indicate that something is out of balance. If we look outside of ourselves to feel better, we fall into the trap of placing our comfort or happiness in the control of something external.
When I notice signs of resistance within myself, instead of trying to change the external world, I ask, "What can I let go of to restore balance? What am I clinging to that is beyond my control?" By recognizing where my energy is wasted on things I cannot control, I can redirect it towards areas where I have agency.
Suffering is the universe showing me the reality of what is, while I hold on to the delusion that it should be different. By accepting reality and focusing on what is within my control, I have an opportunity to alleviate my suffering and find balance.
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